Life has never been easy from struggles with depression while going through family problems of open heart surgery to double lung transplant for my dad. Life never gets easier, you learn how to deal with the problems and struggles that you have. Jesus is my anchor that is always with me along the way. If I didn’t have the relationship with Jesus. I honestly don’t think that I would be here. We are put here on this earth for relationships.
I look back at the time when I had my rifle on the table with the intentions to kill myself. I had my bible with me opened up to John 3:16. I wrote a suicide note and left it on the table. I never got to the point of loading my gun because I knew if I loaded it. I might have gone through it, and if I didn’t no one at my house knows how to unload it. I was at a point where I was willing to walk away from everything.
What people don’t know is the prior conversations that I had with a women that I was sleeping with just looking for a way to be loved. I have always struggled with loneliness. I was also dealing with post concussive syndrome, so I had constant headache that went from pornography to impulse decision that led to sexual immorality. I was a mess and my feelings were all over the place. I left this ladies apartment feeling so lonely and shameful of myself. I was in tears and uncontrollably shaking. I sent a text messaged to my friends that I was suicidal. All I got back was we are praying for you…no one reached out or even called. The friend that I thought would reach out didn’t. There was about an hour of time that was between me driving home and acting on the thoughts of suicide.
I don’t blame anybody for my mistakes, or the ways that I feel loved.
Light dispels darkness. I ended up not killing myself and am sitting here writing this letter now. But I gave everybody that was close to me a great scare because I walked away from everything from school, phone, work, and friends and hopped on a plane to Philadelphia. All I had was a bag full of dirty clothes from the prior week of spring break, my journal, bible, and a wallet with very little money.
I walked from the airport to historical Philadelphia to save money. Along the way talked to many different types of people. I really had no plan. I loved talking to strangers though most didn’t know why I was so upset. Most times I was asking for directions and keeping to myself. I found myself exploring the city and walking a ton to a point where I couldn’t walk. I ended up sleeping on a bench to moving closer to a police station, where I was able to get away from the wind. I had summer clothes with me. It was cold, never been to the east coast in early spring,. I was reading the book of James, which was the book that I went through with my D-group the semester prior. It was the best book to read and remind myself of what God promises us.
I met some amazing people that have guided my life in the right direction. A lady that I told my entire story and ended up being a physiologist and Jimmy, a baker, who picked me up late at night. He kindly gave me a place to stay and food to eat. My feelings were all over the place and unsure what I was doing with my life. In 12 hours, I sent my mom a message through Facebook, then the physiologist called my mom, and I called my mom from Jimmy’s phone.
I really didn’t want to leave Philly, but my mom had my cousin drive up from Virginia to pick me up and take me back and meet up with my brother in D.C. The next couple of days. I really didn’t want to talk with family or even friends. My heart was overwhelmed and unsure of what my life had in store. My least favorite question was, Why?
Over the Past year, I still struggle with the thoughts of suicide and depression. But I have learned how to deal with these thoughts. I will struggle with this my entire life and know how to not act on certain thought and to be surrounded by amazing friends.
I have been moving in the right directions of becoming the man that I want to be. I have still been pursuing my dream of being a doctor. And wanting to travel and spread the gospel through medicine. My life went from feeling shameful to walking in grace and truth with Jesus, who saved my life on the cross.
I have been learning and changing by heart about what dating should look like and how a relationship should be between a women and a man. No impulse decisions of wanting short sexual desires and porn has been put in the grave and my lovely mom has become my accountability partner.
God wants us to be an open book. We should talk about our struggles. I have felt so much better talking about my struggles. It is amazing what happens when you let the light of Christ shine out and through you. Don’t live in the darkness.